Look, I completely understand about the importance of this role. I have some significant authority over things — everyone expects competency in what I do, and that I do it with a clear vision, transparent purpose and with consistency.

Those are reasonable expectations. People from all corners of the district depend on me. I get it.

Here’s the thing. Those expectations can get heavy sometimes. Self-doubt can creep in to my mindset. I don’t have all of the answers. What I do have is experience, I know some stuff and I do try to lead with character.

But, there is that lingering thread of self-doubt even seven years after I was appointed to this role. Do I strike the right balance between the role’s expectations — sometimes conflicting expectations? Am I taking the district in the right direction? Have I overlooked something significant? What about the mistakes I will inevitably make?

THE IMPOSTER SYNDROME

I actually think a healthy dose of self-doubt is probably a good thing. Where leaders often get into trouble is when they have an air of arrogance and don’t reflect on their efforts. As I ponder things, here are some of the questions that sneak into my thought bubbles:

• If people are happy does that mean that I’m doing a good job?
• If people are upset does that mean that I’ve made the wrong decision? Or does it mean that I’ve made difficult decisions?
• Am I supportive enough to everyone who needs me?
• Am I a good enough leader to be doing this work?
• How do I know?
• How do MY leaders know?

These are all important questions. And they do float around in my head on a regular basis.

The IMPOSTER SYNDROME is a condition where one can feel like a failure even if the evidence around them speaks to the contrary. I fall into this category.

As a leader in this system, I have received emails from people critical of some of the decisions being made. I’m OK with that, because it causes me to continually reflect on the decisions we’ve made — that I’ve made. And as I said above, I think that’s a good thing.

I try to remind myself of several things when I get into a “Am I doing this correctly?” funk:

• I’ve got a ton of useful experience in things like educational pedagogy, human resources and district operations;
• I work to make the necessary and difficult decisions based on consistently applying the values I believe are critical (things like transparency, honesty, integrity);
• I know that doing the ‘right’ thing is often not the ‘easy’ thing;
• I work to create a work climate that encourages measured risk-taking that moves us forward;
• I try to admit my mistakes when I make them so that others know it’s OK to be wrong;
• I reflect on things to determine if we’re heading in the right direction, and I try to do so without perseverating on them (I’m still working on this last part).

People expect their Superintendent to be many things including being knowledgeable, collaborative, innovative, compassionate, empathetic, decisive, accountable, positive, transparent, empowering, a strong communicator and listener and above all … competent.

My job is never the same — every day is different. One day I’ll be working with an upset parent at 9:00 am, dealing with a media enquiry at 10:00am, finishing my slide deck for a management meeting, addressing an HR problem at noon, attending a budget meeting, just in time to get ready for a Board meeting in the evening. The next day is completely different.

Often the object of my attention is something I’ve never dealt with before. I really enjoy that as it challenges me. I absolutely love the diversity of my days — I do.

But as this engaged leader, I still have self-doubt. Not every day, but in a lot of them.

I sometimes get the impression that we’re not supposed to admit self-doubt — certainly not publicly. What will others think if I’m not always sure of myself? Will confidence in me erode? Will others stop listening?

Perhaps.

But, I think the bigger risk is being overly confident and heading down the wrong path. I’m on a learning journey like everyone else. If I don’t have an answer I can work to find it.

By admitting some self-doubt, I also wonder if that can somehow translate into even closer working relationships with the people around me? Does it make me more human? More connected?

I think it might.

Sharing my learning journey might actually result in greater confidence in my leadership. I’m not ashamed that I’m still learning — quite the opposite. I’m proud that I still have a journey ahead of me. It motivates me. I learn, I change, I grow. I also trust that our staff and community appreciate the fact that I won’t know every answer to every question, but that my experience, knowledge and approach to things will help us get to that place where we are better tomorrow than we are today.

I’m not an IMPOSTER, but I do admit to having self-doubt.

So, while I will still question my decisions in this role, I also continue to believe that I’m doing good work and that my openness to fallibility can be a strength and a way to move us forward.